How a Filipino Mother Says I Love You

By Ivy Edad

She marinates my petaling skin,

with Vicks Vaporub. The cracks stop

at my stomach, to reveal a slick

oasis made by her calloused fingertips.

Topical cream oozes out

of my skin, to cake under

her painted nails with every rotation.

Lolo used to drive my three aunties

on a motorcycle, and take them to elementary.

Because of that “We were rich,”

my mother said.

Her backpack was filled

with snacks to sell to her classmates.

When the teacher saw her handing out

a tiny bag of crackers she was made

to kneel in a bilao full of mung beans.

Placed in the courtyard, the sun

extracted her sweat.

She held her hands

behind her back

as if she was hiding a prayer.

They used to split salty dried fish

between her seven siblings.

Rip apart the arms of dolls

because “Lolo did not make much

selling chicken shit scraped off

the streets of Balayan.”

Lola warned them,

“The rice will turn to sand

if you don’t finish your food.”

So my mother’s small hands scraped

every grain of rice off of her plate.

She shoveled them in her mouth,

pressed her tongue to the roof.

When I was seven years old, she asked me why

the leather on her car seat was wet.

If I spilled water when I tried to drink

while I was lying down.

She asks, what do i have to be sad about

I’d open my body.

Tell her, that i don’t know

So i’ll Cut

my stomach with stubby nails,

lay out my insides on the leather.

I tried to crush my ribcage

with my small hands. Tear

every artery and rip,

but there was only sand.


Ivy Edad / Ruthless is a Filipinx writer born in Manila, Philippines. In 2014, she moved to the unceded territories of Katzie, Semiahmoo, Kwantlen, Kwikwetlem, QayQayt, and Tsawwassen First Nations. Ruthless is a recent graduate of KPU, with a Bachelor of Journalism, and a Minor in Creative Writing. They have performed on various stages such as, the finals of CFSW in 2019, and APOCACIPS 2020. Their work can be found in pulpMAG where she now works as the Senior Poetry Editor. Ruthless attributes her relationship to words with an indecisive lover. She writes to make words lover her back, and revels in the rejection they constantly receive.