Beauty from Pain

Photo of woman with cowrie shell chest plate and holding leaves with a red tint lighting from the right side

By Lydia Nikolao Schmidt

I used to imagine myself wrapped up in flames

Aching to feel the heat.

I could see the blood draining from my wrists

Just to feel the release.

I’ve put a knife to my skin

Fingers down my throat

And alcohol to my lips.

I’ve raged out of control

Just to cry in silent fury.

I’ve asked for forgiveness,

Or to be taken from this loveless state

Danced under the moon

In my mind’s eye, praying to Hades.

When all is well, and so it seems

The smiles are wide and gratefulness gleams

Still the same the agony washes over me

But there is beauty in the pain

Not like the rainbows after the rain,

But like the darkness of wet bark against green leaves,

Or the smell of smoke after the fire weans.

And then comes the courage

The aftermath of surviving.

Where love comes bubbling up

Like weeds through the concrete

Not in a hazy pink or tulip flowers or romantic dreams

But with subtle defiance

Saying, ‘yes, this is me!’

I have suffered enormously

Struggled and lost the fight with pain

Yet where everything seems ugly

There is no sunshine without the rain

But there is beauty in this land

In the tear-soaked desert

Of broken hearts and lonely hands

Lives the fearful turned fearless

Standing up once again

While still adrift in the abyss

In the whiteness of fog

And the darkness of night

To carry on through it all

It may be our choice to be happy

But it is our duty to stand

In the heat of our own fire

In the darkest of our nights

And in the pouring of our rain

Open our eyes in the dark

And see the beauty in our pain.

Lydia Nikolao Schmidt (she/her/they) is a poet, writer, interdisciplinary artist, and intuitive tarot reader. She is the creatrix behind Instagram account @Mystic_Malu, infusing women's and Pacific indigenous spirituality with new age spiritualism to lead women toward self love and empowerment. Mother to four young children, Lydia lives in Ewa Beach, Hawai'i balancing family, work, poetry, art, and spending as much time in the ocean as possible. IG: @mystic_malu/