By: Christine Brannan
I'm in a rage.I threw the spatula and it bounced off my toe. It didn't help. I yelled at the cars who can't merge. I yelled at the construction truck that cut me off. Nothing is helping.
I was told I'm too emotional. I was told I'm too sensitive. So, I changed. I become tougher. I further suppressed my feminine energy and allow my masculine energy to take center stage. I became a perfectionist and obsessed with doing everything right. I didn't want to give them anything to criticize. They labeled me as the stereotypical NYer curt, abrasive, direct and harsh. I wore the label like a crown. I wore it like armor to protect me. To hide me. My armor will keep me safe. I'm tougher than they are, I told myself. They would never make it in NY. More harsh words came and my armor didn't protect me. I need to tone it down. I need to be gentler. It stung. I didn't know how to be both. Be passionate but not emotional. Go after what you want but don't be direct. I didn't know how to navigate that. It ate at me like a slow-moving cancer. It took over and I made myself small. I wanted to disappear, not to be seen. I stopped having a voice.
I was told I was not showing up. I was not being myself. I was not being the NYer that was needed.I was at a loss. Be yourself, don't be yourself, be yourself. How was I supposed to navigate this? I cried. I was awkward. I forced it. I went to therapy. Slowly, I started to feel like myself again. My confidence started coming back. I was ok with failing (somewhat). I was ok with not being perfect but still showed up and gave 100%. It was hard. I had good days. I had bad days where lots of internal pep talks were needed. I had days where I wallowed. I cried. I drew pictures of middle fingers until I felt better. I was making progress, even in small increments. I was in a better place.
Last week I was told I am unapproachable and mean. I'm drowning in this rage. Thinking of all the things I would say if I had the chance. I don't want to feel this way. I want to let it go. I want to be the bigger person. I'm trying but I'm failing. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. That might be true. I'm hurt. I'm defensive. I'm insulted. I'm angry. I'm broken. I think I'm mostly sad. Sad that I'm perceived this way. Sad that others are so comfortable voicing their contempt for me. Sad that I now doubt my worth. Am I really as bad as they think?
I'm not perfect. I try to be a good person but sometimes I make mistakes. I try to focus on the good and the lessons in every situation. I'm not malicious. I try to make people laugh and make everyone feel welcome. I care about people. I love MY people. I'm honest. I'm real.
Christine Brannan is a project manager by day, and a blogger and artist by night. She created her blog, www.uggiminamood.com, as a forum and safe space to share those things that make her tick and release negativity from her space. Her mission is to create a space that offers a shared sense of connection for others that have similar experiences. Christine is an advocate for body positivity and empowering women to be their authentic and natural selves. You can find her on instagram at @christinemckb.